I'm obsessed with Keywords--the portion of Google Analytics that tracks the search engine phrases that lead to my blog. The things people search for sometimes induce fits of laughter, or, alternatively, make me want to cry for the sake of humanity. In the spirit of the season, I decided that, as a Jew who will be enjoying my stress-free Christmas with Chinese food and a movie, I would throw a little humor my readers' way in hopes of providing a little reprieve from the stress that family and cooking brings this time of year. The following is my response to the best of the best--the funniest and/or most mind-boggling Keywords this year.
DESPERATELY SEEKING GIRAFFES
|Baffled and/or Horrified Giraffe|
- Seriously, the amount of times I have seen this query makes me question the future of humankind. Cookie cutters, people. See Google Category.
- I see a project in my future, but I’m still curious as to why someone would want a hot pink giraffe.
- Twice. I’ve seen this twice.
- I hope some kid went to the zoo and tried to feed a giraffe pancakes. I also hope the giraffe decided to use the opportunity for some head butting time.
YOU WANT TO EAT WHAT?
Marsala sauce contain blood; Bloody hand cakes; Blood sauces for cupcakes
- I think the Twilight cast is getting a little too much into character.
- Contact me—you can probably sue somebody.
- Please stop taking your cues from Sandra Lee.
- Regardless of the meaning of Keesh – whether it is meant to be Quiche, a shortened version of
I'M A LAWYER, NOT A DOCTOR
|I can add liquor to this & not get hit up for malpractice.|
Can a mixture of pineapple and kiwi loosen the stomach?
- What a lovely euphemism for “Damn, I'm constipated."
Are gingersnaps good for muscle pain?
- Cookies make everything better. Except maybe the problem above.
My sweat smells like green beans
- Uh, eat a cookie and see if that helps?
My wife does lots of kugels. What does this mean?
- That you should either be very, very thankful, or ask her to please stop molesting the Jewish noodle pudding.
GOOGLE IS FOR THE STUPID
What kind of meat or cheese ciabatta sandwich?
- Next thing you know people will be Googling "What kind of meat, cheese or bread on mayonnaise sandwich?"
How to buy dutch crunch rolls
- How do you buy anything? You go to the store that sells it.
How much is 4oz of fish?
- This proves my point.
THANKS, LIKE I DON'T FEEL BAD ENOUGH ALREADY
|Just gonna play with my giraffe slinky & be sad...|
- One of my loftiest goals.
- I wish.
- Keep rubbing it in.
- What, are you trying to make me jealous now?