A Post in Which I Address the Year's Best Keyword Searches

I'm obsessed with Keywords--the portion of Google Analytics that tracks the search engine phrases that lead to my blog. The things people search for sometimes induce fits of laughter, or, alternatively, make me want to cry for the sake of humanity. In the spirit of the season, I decided that, as a Jew who will be enjoying my stress-free Christmas with Chinese food and a movie, I would throw a little humor my readers' way in hopes of providing a little reprieve from the stress that family and cooking brings this time of year. The following is my response to the best of the best--the funniest and/or most mind-boggling Keywords this year.

DESPERATELY SEEKING GIRAFFES

Baffled and/or Horrified Giraffe

How to make giraffe cookies

Seriously, the amount of times I have seen this query makes me question the future of humankind. Cookie cutters, people. See Google Category.

How to make a giraffe from radish

I see a project in my future, but I’m still curious as to why someone would want a hot pink giraffe.

Cheese giraffe recipes

Yum?

Do giraffes like coconuts?

Twice. I’ve seen this twice. 

Why do giraffes lick inanimate objects?

…

Will giraffes eat pancakes?

I hope some kid went to the zoo and tried to feed a giraffe pancakes. I also hope the giraffe decided to use the opportunity for some head butting time.

YOU WANT TO EAT WHAT?

Marsala sauce contain blood; Bloody hand cakes; Blood sauces for cupcakes

I think the Twilight cast is getting a little too much into character.

Bugs in muffins

Contact me—you can probably sue somebody.

Miracle whip filet of sole casserole spinach

Please stop taking your cues from Sandra Lee.

Keesh in a salad

Regardless of the meaning of Keesh – whether it is meant to be Quiche, a shortened version of Keeshond, or a Jack London character – I am going to strongly advise against putting it in a salad.

How to beef up your dog

Nothing good can come from this query. Nothing.

I'M A LAWYER, NOT A DOCTOR

I can add liquor to this & not get hit up for malpractice.

Can a mixture of pineapple and kiwi loosen the stomach? 

What a lovely euphemism for “Damn, I'm constipated."

Are gingersnaps good for muscle pain?

Cookies make everything better. Except maybe the problem above.     

My sweat smells like green beans

Uh, eat a cookie and see if that helps?   

My wife does lots of kugels. What does this mean?

That you should either be very, very thankful, or ask her to please stop molesting the Jewish noodle pudding. 

GOOGLE IS FOR THE STUPID

What kind of meat or cheese ciabatta sandwich?

Next thing you know people will be Googling "What kind of meat, cheese or bread on mayonnaise sandwich?"

How to buy dutch crunch rolls

How do you buy anything? You go to the store that sells it.

How much is 4oz of fish?

This proves my point.

THANKS, LIKE I DON'T FEEL BAD ENOUGH ALREADY

Just gonna play with my giraffe slinky & be sad...

I want a house husband

One of my loftiest goals.

Can you be an antitrust barrister?

I wish.

How to survive unpaid post-bar

Keep rubbing it in.

Neil Diamond stretching Beverly Hills

What, are you trying to make me jealous now? 

 

 

And yes, all of those giraffes belong to my collection. Though most of it isn't so silly...