Friday, December 24, 2010

A Post in Which I Address the Year's Best Keyword Searches

I'm obsessed with Keywords--the portion of Google Analytics that tracks the search engine phrases that lead to my blog. The things people search for sometimes induce fits of laughter, or, alternatively, make me want to cry for the sake of humanity. In the spirit of the season, I decided that, as a Jew who will be enjoying my stress-free Christmas with Chinese food and a movie, I would throw a little humor my readers' way in hopes of providing a little reprieve from the stress that family and cooking brings this time of year. The following is my response to the best of the best--the funniest and/or most mind-boggling Keywords this year.

DESPERATELY SEEKING GIRAFFES

Baffled and/or Horrified Giraffe
How to make giraffe cookies
    Seriously, the amount of times I have seen this query makes me question the future of humankind. Cookie cutters, people. See Google Category.
How to make a giraffe from radish
    I see a project in my future, but I’m still curious as to why someone would want a hot pink giraffe.
Cheese giraffe recipes
    Yum?
Do giraffes like coconuts?
    Twice. I’ve seen this twice. 
Why do giraffes lick inanimate objects?
Will giraffes eat pancakes?
    I hope some kid went to the zoo and tried to feed a giraffe pancakes. I also hope the giraffe decided to use the opportunity for some head butting time.


YOU WANT TO EAT WHAT?

Marsala sauce contain blood; Bloody hand cakes; Blood sauces for cupcakes
    I think the Twilight cast is getting a little too much into character.
Bugs in muffins
    Contact me—you can probably sue somebody.
Miracle whip filet of sole casserole spinach
    Please stop taking your cues from Sandra Lee.
Keesh in a salad
    Regardless of the meaning of Keesh – whether it is meant to be Quiche, a shortened version of Keeshond, or a Jack London character – I am going to strongly advise against putting it in a salad.
How to beef up your dog
    Nothing good can come from this query. Nothing.


I'M A LAWYER, NOT A DOCTOR

I can add liquor to this & not get hit up for malpractice.
Can a mixture of pineapple and kiwi loosen the stomach? 
    What a lovely euphemism for “Damn, I'm constipated."
Are gingersnaps good for muscle pain?
    Cookies make everything better. Except maybe the problem above.     
My sweat smells like green beans
    Uh, eat a cookie and see if that helps?   
My wife does lots of kugels. What does this mean?
    That you should either be very, very thankful, or ask her to please stop molesting the Jewish noodle pudding


GOOGLE IS FOR THE STUPID

What kind of meat or cheese ciabatta sandwich?
    Next thing you know people will be Googling "What kind of meat, cheese or bread on mayonnaise sandwich?"
How to buy dutch crunch rolls
    How do you buy anything? You go to the store that sells it.
How much is 4oz of fish?
    This proves my point.


THANKS, LIKE I DON'T FEEL BAD ENOUGH ALREADY

Just gonna play with my giraffe slinky & be sad...
I want a house husband
    One of my loftiest goals.
Can you be an antitrust barrister?
    I wish.
How to survive unpaid post-bar
    Keep rubbing it in.
Neil Diamond stretching Beverly Hills
    What, are you trying to make me jealous now? 
     
     
And yes, all of those giraffes belong to my collection. Though most of it isn't so silly...
     

      19 comments:

      Lauren (Healthy Delicious) said...

      omg my stomach hurts from laughing so much. thanks for that!

      Kristina @ spabettie said...

      my question is why would someone NOT want a hot pink giraffe.

      (you have a giraffe collection, I have a hot pink collection...) serious.

      I am still laughing at the kugels. Mmm, yum. I want Neil Diamond as the house husband.

      and Miracle whip filet of sole casserole spinach? ew. just EW.

      Happy "Christmastime For The Jews" ... (have you seen the SNL clip? so awesome).

      XXO enjoy your Chinese dinner! <3

      Karen from Globetrotter Diaries said...

      I had a good laugh from this-- thanks!

      Lizzy said...

      SO funny...never thought to check my google analytics! Thanks for the laughs!!

      Mara @ What's For Dinner? said...

      Happy movie and Chinese food day... i'm curious to see the search engine terms to my blog now!

      Isabelle said...

      Wait, making giraffes from radishes is a bad idea? Damn.
      *closes Google window*
      *sigh*

      Robyn said...

      Love this. Especially the "i'm a lawyer, not a doctor" line. Best rebuttal to search queries ever.

      Chef Dennis said...

      you are just too funny!! I have to admit I have googled some really stupid stuff just to see what came up! Of course I don't have that kind of time anymore...sigh
      Love the Giraffes!!
      Cheers
      Dennis

      sara @ CaffeIna said...

      and that's why I do not use google analytics. I'm really scared at what would come out related to my beloved hippos! Thanks for sharing your humor/sarcasm. Luckily I'm not stressed by Xmas, thanks to our decision to spend it at home, the two of us + kitties...best decision ever! I feel I have a higher chance of never searching anything like that in google!

      Brie: Le Grand Fromage said...

      everything loves coconuts! bwahaha, awesome. thanks for sharing this.

      Wilde in the Kitchen said...

      Hilarious! I love reading my own google search terms! My favorite was "Super yeast Steve Urkel," it made my day!

      jen cheung said...

      Passion4Food here to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New year. May 2011 bring you lots of happiness and friendship. Have an awesome day with your love ones!!

      jen @ www.passion4food.ca

      Jackie said...

      Haha, brilliant :D Most of my search terms tend to be actually related to me, which is sometimes a bit scary. Why are people searching for ME specifically?! Happy day, my lovely, hope you've enjoyed your (delicious) Chinese food!

      Jax x

      Victoria said...

      This is funny :) Love all your giraffes! That's some collection, my dear, haha.

      Christine (The Raw Project) said...

      Too funny! I need to check my Google Analytics more!

      tastesbetterwithfriends said...

      What a perfect fun post for this time of year, who knew a giraffe got so much love on the net!?

      Sara said...

      OMG, your post made me laugh! very funny! :))

      Torviewtoronto said...

      thanks you are funny :) lovely read happy holidays

      legallymarried said...

      I love these kinds of posts - thanks for giving me a laugh! :)

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